An overrated friendship.

YES SPM IS FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY YEAH FINALLY OVER OVER OVER, YEAH OVER.

Okay, berdasarkan tajuk di atas. I have decided to talk erm, type I mean? about A GIRL lol in case anyone thinks I'm gonna blog about guy stuff no I don't do that.
Since I don't know why out of nowhere today right before the Chinese paper 1 Alyssa just have the urge to ask "Eh you and Sze Xuann really hopeless already ah?"

Urgh why blogspot cannot connect twitter or facebook or something I wanna tag Alyssa lol so I don't have to purposely go find her and tell her.

Note that, all I am doing now is clarify and make things clear for my best friends who care so much about me ok I love you guys so much I can't even.

So, I am very sad (lol not really tho) to say that she is my former best friend in the whole wide world. See I so kind I bold and underline that word for you. The reason for being my former best friend not because I hate her or she's a bitch or she's prettier than me or she's richer than me or she's skinnier than me LOL BUT THEY ARE ALL TRUE 'cause I am so ugly seriously and I ain't even lying. But those are not the reasons la ok. I don't wanna be a bad person and talk entirely bad stuff about her 'cause if not people will come kill me lol no it's just because I'm a good person 8) Also note that I am a very good person and I am true to everyone ok :)

You know I cannot answer Alyssa's question because there is no answer like seriously. You would think that I choose not to talk to her or be friends with her is because I'm not over it or I'm still sad but the truth is I am very over it and I'm not sad about it anymore. But I hope she does lol so bad no la. You cannot blame me lor because she hurt me ma. I didn't say I was the bestest friend or whatever okay I just got really sad. Anyway, I choose not to re-communicate with her because if I do I feel like I'll risk my friendship with Eelynn and Sookmin. I don't wanna be afraid to loose them anymore. I am not blaming them for anything and maybe they won't be angry but I cannot take chances like this anymore. And they are the ones that stuck with me til the end. Oh and also because the way she talks to me now with all that emo guilty and sorry crap pisses me off. Why? Because she makes me feel guilty. Lol wtf I also hate myself 'cause I'm so fucking soft-hearted to people zzzzzz.

And some more hurt me so many times!! I cannot accept ok!!! Where got people like that one!!

Lol but cannot accept also must accept because it is the past, I'm fine now, and she proved to me that even the closest person can hurt you.
the closest hurts you the very fucking most to the core and at the fucking maximized maximum.
Yes that was how bad. No words to describe at all. Dude I was 14 what do you think my priority was? Planning the future to buy estate or houses and cars is it?

AND I must emphasis she did the same fucking thing for a few times ok I have to get hurt about the same thing for FEW fucking times. YOU TRY GET DUMPED FEW TIMES AND SEE. That's how I felt because she was like, erm, the totally understand me, talk on the phone from night til morning that kind of shit you know? The whole friendship was like, okay now I will treat you so nice then I'm gonna give you good memories and then oh I feel like leaving you already and continue to do that to other people. Okay I don't have to continue because this thing repeats on other people after me then back to me then to other people. People can don't understand me or don't like me because intimacy for me is very important I wanna be close with everybody because I like having friends lol I know at the same time I like to be anti-social. Well I keep things very much balanced.

It's so hard for me to forget a person's face or things they've done for me because those are the things I treasure. Once you did something nice for me instantly you can be my best friend. You did just that ONE thing I needed I can give you back a thousand times. Like seriously. Anyway again, I cannot accept I remember all the things you've done for me, then you do things to me like the good things you've done were just your fucking make-up or something. Then I come to a place where I hate everyone and I felt extra-extremely lonely. Because my friendship with Eelynn and Sookmin changed. And then Rouyi. And then Xiongyan.

I gave so many chances for myself to trust other people that can fulfill what she gave but she just had to take it ALL AWAY. People just never understand how much I loved Rouyi. And how much I loved Xiongyan. They never. Just like I said, you were there once, to me you were there forever and that's enough. I will never forget what I read from their blogs. And god, how much I miss them. I hope she doesn't, you know, because she doesn't deserve to. I don't care how well she treated them. She just doesn't. And I know I'm right.

Til now I will never forget what they have said to me, how they've said it to me. And the ways, really, the every way, they looked at me. Well I'm sure all of you won't know how low it got me lol and I'm not even kidding. Low self esteem, like maximum and I hate myself because I am forever not good enough. And after all of that, people still expect me to be friends with her which was totally absurd please.

Then the awkward times came when we grew older (lol yeah) and then we ignore this happened (tried so hard) but then that time I couldn't even bear staying in a room breathing the same air as her, felt as if she was ruining my life or something -__- But of course not la, that time I just haven't SEE OPEN yet. When she was there everyone would like leave me alone or ignore me okay maybe not, but forget me, yes. And I'll be like, 'Oh lord why am I here anyway. Hellooo? Victim here? And criminal there?' I tried talking to her, I can't. I will feel that I break my own principles. But until the time I got over it, I realize I don't even have to care because I don't have the need to talk to her. There are situations where confrontations are unnecessary one ok.

Putting thoooooose aside, I didn't forget the time when we were introduced (before we know each other), I only know she's Christine's best friend lol. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was one day when everyone was going into the hall to gather like every other day starting 12.30, then I was with Christine, she had to go to her place to take her bag at the canteen. And Szexuann was there alone taking her bag also. And cute little Christine was like "Eh Szexuann this is Emin and Emin this is Szexuann! She's my best friend!" Lol Christine was so cute I can't even, she always had a very short ponytail and tied very high just below the top of her head haha! Funny and cute, and she always does this thing with her mouth so cute and red blushy cheeks! I love her so much omg. Anyway after she introduced us Szexuann didn't react, I didn't know her, so I was like, 'Wah she so quiet one why Christine is friends with her'. Ahyah because Christine very noisy one la since primary school :p

Then things happened on Xiangqi's birthday celebration at pondok then we became best friends lol so funny I'd laugh at it now already -__- Well then we HAD so much in common so that's why I like her, she was just like me or something. She made me a really happy person in that mean time, I loved her so much. And she treated me well I guess. Everybody wanted a friend like that, so did I. I won't forget that, there will be great memories, but hey, they are memories after all. And the story goes on as above. I wouldn't wanna say what happened that made us grew apart because all I wanna do is treasure now. Just what sucks most is not her leaving me, is her leaving me when I already have no one, and my sisters and father... yeah never mind.

Yes I've thought of talking to her I'm fine now and I'm not lying really, but I'm not ready yet I think. Whateverthefuck are we gonna talk about? 'Hey how's life after hurting me?' That would be a nice start I know -.- Well.. She still makes me feel she has the tendency to climb on top of me again and takeover. All that while she was in control and no one, I repeat, NO ONE can control me anymore. Only I can restrict myself. I know what does limit mean.

Lol such an impact in my life right I know, but all thanks to her it's when I start to hate myself, hope you're proud lol. And also. Because she made me know self-realization and cautiousness. She was my lesson.

And now I have my prizeS already :D Everyone in my life has a special place in my heart. And you know what? I don't lie.

Loyalty, honesty, trustworthiness, harmony, peace, love, everything actually. I live by a lot of stuff. And I tolerate a lot of stuff. But I always know what KARMA means.

E.V. <3